Open.

Other people’s perceptions are always so interesting to me. Their perceptions of newspaper articles, of politicians, of me. We are all so different, yet at our root we are all so similar.

I want there to be one word that comes to people’s minds when they think of me. Open. That’s it. I want everyone to feel invited to talk to me, to ask me for things. The McDonald’s cashier, the library clerk, the tattoo artist. They are all welcome to talk to me, and I take steps to let them know this.

Ask a neighbour if you can photograph their pets, ask the little girl in line behind you at Saver’s if you can buy her a toy, listen to a co-worker’s band’s newest EP, smile, wave.

Creativity is key, I do believe: finding things that speak to people on their level. Some actions lead to a response, others to a friendship, and most, to nothing. I’m at peace when I make openness a priority. I rest knowing that anyone who needs a friend will perceive me as such because of the steps I take to come across as open. I think that’s what matters, and I hope to learn more about meeting people on their level (whether it be “higher” or “lower” than mine) everyday. What starts with a smile could end in…(anything).

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Peacemonger.

PeacemongerThe thing is, the life I am going to lead shall be speckled with good-byes, separations, and so longs. Travel does that. The life that I look forward to (it could change in an instant, of course) will be split into different periods, seasons, and places. Seeing how I plan on falling in love with people and ideas and places everywhere that I go, I know that I will have to say many many tearful good-byes. Sweet reunions will have their place, but strained separations last so much longer.

Even now I am determined to hold tightly to the people I love. To resist ruining the short moments we may have together. Foolishness is saying, “Well I’m leaving soon, what’s the use of getting involved with someone.” This I know. Life’s pleasures are times spent with other people, with loving people who won’t break your heart. It hurts knowing that I will hurt myself and those who care for me when I walk on from place to place, but I pray that the way I love will leave no one in doubt that their names are written on my heart, and they are not forgotten by me.

Lesson Learned.

It struck me today how the human tendency is to, when one is upset or miserable, pull the people by whom one is surrounded down too. It’s like when we fall, we grab on to things to try and pull ourselves back up. When that doesn’t work we grab onto people and try (usually with success) to bring them down with us. If we lose an argument, we start pointing out the opponent’s flaws, just to make it known that we are not the only one at fault. Perhaps this is because we were not made to suffer alone.

Today has been a rough day for me. It really has. Lots of pain, lots of exhaustion, and lots of emotion. I tried to handle it with strength and dignity, but this morning I had to stop and slap myself because I realized that I was grabbing on to the people around me, and when they didn’t respond the way I wanted them to, I started dragging them down with me. It is shameful. Now the converse of this is suffering in silent stoicism. I don’t believe this is Biblical either. God did not make us to suffer alone. The things is, believers should be ever on watch for needy, suffering people. We should be ready to jump up and meet their needs, to be supportive. I strive to be a person who does that, and it helps to know that when I am in pain, people who fit that mold are the only ones who help make everything a little bit easier.

Long day’s lesson learned.

Cover With the Moon (My Heart)

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under Heaven.

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek and a time to lose; a time to tear and a time to sew; a time to speak silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

Children of God generally accept that there is indeed a time for everything. A time for all the things listed above, and, I’m afraid, a time for me to be in high school. Right now is that time. God does not tell me that my beliefs, thoughts, and actions can be relative to what season of life I am in. He knows that I am ready to move on, but He does not accept my foolish desires to waste these next few months. Just as last week was the time for me to be in Jamaica on a lovely trip, so now is time for me to focus on my studies, to be a hard worker, deep lover, and content student. Knowing that He has great things in store for me sometimes makes contentment harder to grasp, but I am determined to harness that knowledge to move me towards dedication and pursuit of holiness and excellence in every area of life.

He will empower me. He covers my heart from temptation and darkness. He is everything.

Safety.

Excerpt from my journal 1/7/2012:

Jamaica. Jamaica. Jamaica.

Things change to me.

Jamaica, you are the same but you don’t speak to my heart in the same way.

What is wrong with me?

Where are my emotions?

Tell me what you want, Silent Heart. Speak your reflections to me, Obstinate Soul.

 Is it that I now know what I want and I am not finding it where I expected to, or is it that the darkness of the world is being shown to me now?

It is not only a needy, developing country. It is a crime scene, a cess pool of blunt disinterest. Just because it is beautiful does not mean it is good.

 I am tempted to go; to turn my back on the beauty and poverty because of the risk, the chance of theft, rape, discomfort.

 Perhaps risk is not so easily taken. Free me from the comfortable twining of caution, Lord. Give me wings and a net for safety.

 The temptation must be overcome. Jamaica may stare dark eyes at me, but they need my Saviour as badly as I, and I need to share Him.

Questions I have many. Answers, Lord you hold.  

 

I read this page upon my return from a one-week mission trip to Jamaica last week and teared up. honestly. God answered these prayers! He has brought clarity to my mind regarding  most of the thoughts I addressed in this entry. I learned a little about real Jamaica-about life outside of a quiet Christian school in the mountains. Through friends, God showed me that the world is a dangerous place but the danger doesn’t have to be crippling. There are daring oppurtunities to be taken-ones that don’t require putting my life at risk! As I was torn away from people I love and have known for three years now, God unfurled a comfortable safety net for me to fall into.So comforting, in fact, that it spread and also cradled others that I was with. It was a tangible gift straight from Heaven. I found peace in knowing that I can write the names of those I love on my heart and then walk on.

With blessings He showers me, He hears my cry. Yet I will doubt Him again, and He will bless once more. This is the story of my wandering heart.

 

He loves me, heartbeat nomad that I am.