Excerpt from my journal 1/7/2012:
Jamaica. Jamaica. Jamaica.
Things change to me.
Jamaica, you are the same but you don’t speak to my heart in the same way.
What is wrong with me?
Where are my emotions?
Tell me what you want, Silent Heart. Speak your reflections to me, Obstinate Soul.
Is it that I now know what I want and I am not finding it where I expected to, or is it that the darkness of the world is being shown to me now?
It is not only a needy, developing country. It is a crime scene, a cess pool of blunt disinterest. Just because it is beautiful does not mean it is good.
I am tempted to go; to turn my back on the beauty and poverty because of the risk, the chance of theft, rape, discomfort.
Perhaps risk is not so easily taken. Free me from the comfortable twining of caution, Lord. Give me wings and a net for safety.
The temptation must be overcome. Jamaica may stare dark eyes at me, but they need my Saviour as badly as I, and I need to share Him.
Questions I have many. Answers, Lord you hold.
I read this page upon my return from a one-week mission trip to Jamaica last week and teared up. honestly. God answered these prayers! He has brought clarity to my mind regarding most of the thoughts I addressed in this entry. I learned a little about real Jamaica-about life outside of a quiet Christian school in the mountains. Through friends, God showed me that the world is a dangerous place but the danger doesn’t have to be crippling. There are daring oppurtunities to be taken-ones that don’t require putting my life at risk! As I was torn away from people I love and have known for three years now, God unfurled a comfortable safety net for me to fall into.So comforting, in fact, that it spread and also cradled others that I was with. It was a tangible gift straight from Heaven. I found peace in knowing that I can write the names of those I love on my heart and then walk on.
With blessings He showers me, He hears my cry. Yet I will doubt Him again, and He will bless once more. This is the story of my wandering heart.
He loves me, heartbeat nomad that I am.