Truly, I despise bloggers who get on their site and talk all about how long it has been since they have blogged and how life has been crazy blahblahblah, but I must say: it’s been a freaking summer since I have done this. Lost my password or something like that…you get the idea.
Life has rushed on, more as a trickle at times, but always hotfoot forward. Some snippits from my journal may help to flesh out the adventures and trials through which I have waded.
My struggle against pain goes on. I don’t want it to define me, I do not even want it to be a big part of me, but it is so hard to prohibit it from consuming me. When my jobs are determined by what the pain allows, when what I do for fun and in my free time is changed complerelt as a result of it, I start to wonder whether there ever has been life without pain. Who would I be if it were not ever-present? Where would I be? Has it changed me for the better or limited my abilities and by so doing, gradually ruined me?
“The Christian, when he dies, catches hold of Christ’s garment, and Christ bears him into Heaven.”- Charles Spurgeon
Never tell God what you are NOT going to do.
The church whose members are perfect people, doing well, without a worry or care, is a church full of liars.
As the elder chokes over his tears, the words of Isaiah’s account of the death and tribulation of Jesus sinks in more deeply. Oh! the things that He endured for my sake. Can He hear the crowds cry crucify?
If God wants you in Africa, you will get there, and if you do not end up there, it means that you will be doing something way better.
Friends, commitments, abilities, dreams-all of these are things in which I have unknowingly found my sense of security for too long. All of these are things that are now gone from my life. I have a hunch that they are being stripped away. He wants me to encounter rock bottom in (nearly) every way. My dreams have faded into the landscape of my mind. My friends are all moving on. Without school or a ministry, here in the U.S. there is little for me to do. Dealing with the pain has prevented me from doing numerous things that I love and previously took pride in accomplishing-and it continues to plague me. Little did I know that these four pieces of my life shaped my security in such dynamic ways. It is humbling to stand without them. Apart from my friends, I feel lonely. With few commitments, I feel useless. Unable to do many things, inferiority touches me icily. Life apart from my dreams is empty-it is unsavory, it bores me. What sounds like negativity is simply honesty. It is hard to be sanctified. How wonderful to never be alone.
And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.
Inside, all is better than ever.