The Cloth I’m Cut From (Part 1)

Before I began to type these words, I pulled up Thesaurus.com & searched “deep”, because that’s the Cloth I’m Cut From.

Lisa lays alone in her king-size bed at night & objectively evaluates decisions she has made & will make. She is loyal to a daughter who moved two states away, as well as her aging parents. She has a way of motivating others to operate according to the same level of spinal fortitude.

That’s not the Cloth I’m Cut From.

Erin carries extra weight on her body like a crown. She is dignified, professional, dedicated, quick to self-sacrifice. Her words are measured, often slow. She never picks a fight, but, asked the right set of questions, lets off nearly visible steam.

That’s not the Cloth I’m Cut From.

Paul walks into a room & drafts an unconscious meter of the power at play there. He drives a hard bargain & pushes & pushes & pushes for whichever issue is at hand.

That’s not the Cloth I’m Cut From.

Meghan makes the best jokes. She brings a light-ray energy into the spaces that she enters. She sees things in a black-and-white way but manages to float away from blacks or whites that become too intense.

That’s not the Cloth I’m Cut From.

Hannah works 50+ hours per week, is close to her family, & advocates for the children in foster care in the county where she resides. She knows the needs of a person before they ask, & she believes in her own invincibility: she can meet those needs.

That’s not the Cloth I’m Cut From.

Ryan intermixes theology & stories of need amidst vulnerable populations in such a way that the resources of principled people practically jump into the coffer of social change. He is thin, pious, & committed to perfection.

That’s not the Cloth I’m Cut From.

Emily never says what she doesn’t know for a fact (& have academic citations to prove), but lights up when asked about a subject she has read up on. Her vibrancy is understated, a menorah seen from outside a white-curtained window pane.

That’s not the Cloth I’m Cut From.

Dustin doesn’t just have strong ethical standards, she acts on them. She is the first in her white Christian circle to adopt black children when the dialogue drifts toward what Jesus would do. She has a doctorate, a beautiful head of hair, & lures everyone she meets into awe of her ability to acheive.

That’s not the Cloth I’m Cut From.

I’m a person with iridescent joy. A person whose world is so far inside her that others like her may pass a lifetime without arriving to know themselves. They may cross the entire Ocean in many ways but never arrive to the shore of their essence. Sometimes my joy is so deep within me that no one else can see it.

Some days I wake up under water. I go for entire days without hearing clearly, without a sense of taste, lost in salty bathwater, able to feel nothing but the locks of my hair that kiss my face. On the days when I don’t understand myself, I am impatient with a world that thoroughly misunderstands me.

The most True things are worth saying again:

…before I began to type these words, I pulled up Thesaurus.com & searched “deep”, because that’s the Cloth I’m Cut From.

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This Wild World

The insanity of roller coaster moments in life continually blow my mind.  Learning about things continuously is exhausting.

EX:  It’s weird how the better I become at being honest with people, the worse I get at expressing myself on paper (eh, computer).  Connecting with people seems to help me improve at only one thing: connecting with people.  I know stuff, I understand people, I’ve got the connections, but good gosh! I hardly have an education.  Not much has been accomplished in these past 19 years of life by general standards.  I’m a professional nothing.  An unbusiness woman.  A full time patient.  Absolutely dependant.  Hopelessly accomplishment-less.

Tsk, tsk.

I suppose all there is to show from this past 9 months is surrender and a couple of unfinished charcoal drawings.  Partial surrender, because complete takes time when you insist on being full of pride.  This is good; this letting-go is the most important thing.  Yet still I wonder, where is my field? Am I going to learn how to do anything?  How shall I express myself?  Will I ever truly enjoy the work that feeds and clothes me? These are questions for the future. Today, my business is love.  I am supportive, I am ready and willing, and I am at peace sitting still.  Later, I will hustle and bustle and my business will be more tangible.

Hopefully I’ll get to jump off of cliffs and rescue children and that sort of thing.  We’ll see.

 

I’m grateful to God for the wildness of this world -N.D. Wilson