DecaGratitude

There are days when I just need a minute to breathe. These are usually the days when a list of thanks is in order. Emotional fatigue is a sure sign of discontentment. It is too much for one girl to desire what the world says she should have AND the Lord’s will for her days. I am that girl and I cannot do it. I either have to stop and re calibrate, or I will wander exhausted for weeks, months, years.

My history instructor firmly declared last January that human beings are good at 2 things: complaining, and reproducing. Now I can’t say much about the latter, but as for the former, I am human through and through. This is me offering an Ann-Voskamp answer to my own trouble.

1) Nutella covered fingers, dancing to worship music alone in my room with You.

2) Legs that kick strong through water, bubbles that come up from my nose.

3) Hair that does somersaults on blustery days.

4) Neon Steeple Radio (Spotify), words that remind me of the only One who is promised to be present at my dying breath.

5) Scripture: I am hungry, thirsty, deranged in pursuit of Truth. I want to gobble it, consuming even the long organized lists of Leviticus and Numbers. Thank you Jesus for this flawless piece of yourself.

6) Laughs shared with co-workers, hymns to sing when medicine will not let me rest.

7) White tangerine flesh cracking as I bite from pit.

8) Parents bent over to create fronds like shields, halting fiery darts hurled my way.

9) Tears locked behind my eyes, denying death her bounty.

10) Friends who text to tell me I am loved, turning grief tears into sunshine drops.

My Jesus has won.(( Shout it! ))The battle against my other list (the one not worth sharing: it contains the things I cannot do, the gifts I do not have) is already finished. Why should I carry the burdens of warfare already fought for me?

Rejoice; He came back alive!

I am terrified to receive the blessings my God has for me. After the manner of a solemn Muslim addressing Allah, I pray eyes wide, palms open. I flutter like a dry fall leaf.

When I called, you answered me; you greatly emboldened me.~Psalm 138:3

I go to soak in His Word for though I cannot always see His footprints or hear His voice,

I will always remain in His love.

Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.~Psalm 77:19

Advertisements

This Wild World

The insanity of roller coaster moments in life continually blow my mind.  Learning about things continuously is exhausting.

EX:  It’s weird how the better I become at being honest with people, the worse I get at expressing myself on paper (eh, computer).  Connecting with people seems to help me improve at only one thing: connecting with people.  I know stuff, I understand people, I’ve got the connections, but good gosh! I hardly have an education.  Not much has been accomplished in these past 19 years of life by general standards.  I’m a professional nothing.  An unbusiness woman.  A full time patient.  Absolutely dependant.  Hopelessly accomplishment-less.

Tsk, tsk.

I suppose all there is to show from this past 9 months is surrender and a couple of unfinished charcoal drawings.  Partial surrender, because complete takes time when you insist on being full of pride.  This is good; this letting-go is the most important thing.  Yet still I wonder, where is my field? Am I going to learn how to do anything?  How shall I express myself?  Will I ever truly enjoy the work that feeds and clothes me? These are questions for the future. Today, my business is love.  I am supportive, I am ready and willing, and I am at peace sitting still.  Later, I will hustle and bustle and my business will be more tangible.

Hopefully I’ll get to jump off of cliffs and rescue children and that sort of thing.  We’ll see.

 

I’m grateful to God for the wildness of this world -N.D. Wilson