“…Wherever the Spirit would go, they went without turning as they went.” Ezekiel 1:12b
I plot my wicked course. I scout a way past the protective barriers that love has surrounded me with. I giggle in the face of goodness; spit at the naivete of righteousness. All while claiming to live for Goodness and Righteousness. Like a leech I suck up that which benefits me. Then I put my finger down my throat and throw up whatever doesn’t suit. I live for my own human-centered agenda. Me. Me. Me.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
“A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.” Proverbs 11:17
Remember the hurt that sinful selfishness inflicts, on you and others. Let wisdom and TRUE love win. Though wickedness oozes from the bone structure of my entirety, I remain conceited. Thoughts of my own purity and loveliness of character soar in my mind. So foolish, foolish.
“The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life.” Proverbs 11:30
I am wrong again; He is still right. All right. Nothing can change that. Better yet, nothing can shake His love.
“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Galations 5:13
My ears hear you. Now let my heart-torn though it is-hear You too. Whisper the tale of love and redemption into me, for I desperately need reminders, renewal, conviction.
“I stretch out my hands to you; My soul thirsts for you like a parched land.” Psalm 143:6
This year, so full. The action, unending. Now that I have suffered, suffered in a multitude of ways, I can enjoy-happily-all that there is to love about life. Late nights with friends, hearts on sleeves. Sweet, grassy smells. Incense, burning. Hammock, hanging. Boys and the way they taste-different, each. God and His majesty, revealed in a rainbow of ways. Thrift stores and NO HOMEWORK! Time to paint fingernails, toes. Maps Arts Gifts Waffle Fries. The library, the constant motion. Depositing checks $, going to concerts. Networking, knowing people and a place-exploring the depth of both. Frustrations with family, feet, feelings, sure. All the awesome cannot erase the awful. Yet, what joy is mine! In spite of surgery…and struggles, there is such sweetness to living.
This, my appreciation of it all.
Good jobs, great bosses, gracious friends. Outreach, outdoors. Long drives, lakes. People. People. People. Pulsation in my fingertips-I feel the veins against your skin. Being, growing, stretching. Life in all its’ wonder. Me, in all my imperfection. Pain, poignant, presses its’ finger on my everything. It wills me to snap. It encourages anger and abandonment of all that is lively and lovely. Happiness holds it at arms’ length for now. Fear(you dog!), today is not for you. This day is for nice, earthy, companionship…worship. Today is real. Pain, an illusion of yesterday and tomorrow.